who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
