Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
