I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could teleport
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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