Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
