Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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