I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
