if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
