dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
