think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
