Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
