You just made me feel so damn special
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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