Im at strip club and am horny
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
