I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
