I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
