I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So much rum. So many feels.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
