Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
