the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
