someone threw a dead crab at me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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