Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
