Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
