Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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