My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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