considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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