My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
