He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
