Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
