it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
