it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
