JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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