My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
