It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
