ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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