dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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