Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize