Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
