I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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