Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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