id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
