Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
