wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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