hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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