let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Houston, we have a blender
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
