Define "chronic" masturbator.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I need water and some morals
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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