Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
