I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
