How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
