a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You were trust falling into bushes
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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