I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
