so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
that's an acceptable place to lick
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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