My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
